We can live with a belief that we can be worthy, respected, accepted…but on one condition.
That condition is the merciless burden of Perfect.
As a recovering perfectionist, I admit we often don’t even realize we’re operating according to this belief. Yet, there it is, lurking in the shadows of our thoughts, quietly undermining our ability to live a playful work life.
Talking with a close friend the other day, I offered a visual for how it often appears in our lives. It looks somewhat like this equation:
Perfection = [fill in the blank]
For instance:
Perfection = I am a responsible employee
Perfection = I am a competent manager
Perfection = I am a trustworthy colleague
We tell ourselves that if we meet the expectation of Perfection on one side, only then will we be able to own the identity on the other side. In effect, we think we’ve balanced the equation. But what happens when we accept that the entire equation is fundamentally flawed? That striving to maintain this equation everyday takes a tremendous and unnecessary toll on our well-being?
Also note how the equation is usually imbalanced in its very structure. In order to just feel a basic sense of responsible, competent, or trustworthy we have to be perfect.
How do we deal with this painful problem?
We might be tempted to eliminate the equation by ignoring it, hoping to simply cancel it out of existence. But if you’ve ever tried to ignore a back pain or toothache and pretend it will somehow go away, you know how that often works: it not only remains but grows more intense.
Instead, how about we simplify it:
Good Enough = [fill in the blank]
Yes, our good enough is Good Enough. It always has been. And it always will be.
I’m not suggesting we stop giving our best effort. Far from it. I am suggesting that we stop believing that in order to be our best, we must be perfect.
Perhaps Brené Brown said it best in one of her first books, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
~Brené Brown
The curiously powerful question for today is: What equation are you carrying around and is it guiding you to your best self?
Oh, and one more thing. Algebra isn’t my strongest suit (just ask Mr. Williams, my high school math teacher). So I acknowledge this equation model may not be perfect. But it is Good Enough. And that’s enough.
